and now kailey has run away

i cant even walk outside to find her

she's gone, and its my fault

seroquel

Oh. It's starting again. Better get buffy out

A lot* has been happening

A lot of it good, but a fair amount of it has been less than average.
New house is good. Big. Spacious. Closer to town (not that I go) and better for schools.
Dogs are wonderful. Both learning manners and awesomeness.
Seeing more of Clancy. She basically lives in the bedroom.
Kids are happy. They have their own space and independence and they're handling it pretty well. They're becoming little men. And I'm super proud of them.
Nick is great. He makes me smile and laugh everyday. And even though sometimes he's a complete moron and I want to punch him in his stupid head, I love him.
It'll be our one year anniversary on Thursday. We're going out to dinner hopefully. Probably just to the pub, and l'll probably end up getting a chicken parmi, but those are good things. No problems there.

Problems

So now we know why I feel so downright crap the majority of the time. I've been properly diagnosed with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. Google them too. Super fun happy times... I know that there's a camp of people who don't believe these things are real. 'you don't have chronic fatigue, you're just tired'. No, actually I have chronic fatigue. 'you don't have chronic fatigue, you're just fatigued no. I have chronic fatigue and it's fucking bullshit.
I am not in debilitating pain. Nope. Not screaming and writhing around. Not entirely dependent on drugs to get through the day. But I am in a constant amount of pain that never goes away. It is constant. Always there. Pain and tired, no matter how much rest I get. No matter how much I 'take it easy'. Just pain.
I hurt myself at work last year. Ulnar nerve entrapment in my arm and did something in my back so bad I couldn't breathe. There is a name for it, I just can't remember.
I've been seeing physios since February. Twice a week at least. I see two therapists for my arms, one for my back and one who helps for both, as well as my regular doctor.
I'm still working, parenting, and in this time my dog died, I moved house and had a car crash.
Last week, after two weeks of coughing, I went to the doctor who said its possible I have whooping cough. I probably don't. We'll find out tomorrow, but whatever this cold is, it's fucked.
My house is great, but nothing is put away, and when I try to put things away, I hurt so much i need to lay down for an hour.
My house is great, yet has no Internet access, and probably won't for years.
I have had enough
I want to stay in bed and watch my so called life. I want to run away. I want to have a baby so that I have something. I realise how stupid that sounds. And none of those things are going to happen, but I don't know the answer. I don't know the answer.


*on a side note, next pet I get is going to be called 'alot'. Google image it.

i cant apologise enough

doesnt take much

first glimpses

seven apples

take a look

xx

dont want to jinx it

under 80

so, they gave the house to someone else.

oh... were you moving?

yeah, well, kind of

this house is too small. its fine for one. one plus 3. and even kind of fine for one plus three plus 2. but one plus three plus 2 plus one plus one... its just getting a bit too much.

i'll leave you to decipher that maths, or you can wait. the answers are coming

so, we found a house. as big as we need. close to the school that we need. affordablish, but really, we're going to have to pay more. we were accepted, and given a move in date. we said ' great! we'll call you on tuesday!', that weekend being easter. we called. they gave it to someone else

the problem was it was happening now. i dont know how to handle now. so far im coping my staying in bed. i know this is not the correct coping mechanism, but its the only one i have.

i need it to happen in about october, so i have time to settle before next year. now, with a now answer was too hard, and because of that we missed out. because its too hard.

i should have just said yes. 

shouldnt make me feel better, but it does

scary calm

Then in my dream, she moved again

today was shit

day 6: 5 pm. 

sitting at the shops in my car, hiding from my family

day 7 : something i wore

after i wore it, kailey wore it

day 8: window

view from where i sit and blog from. not very inspiring, possibly why my blogging isnt that great

day 9: red

 day 10: loud

just behind that tree there was a group of men yelling at each other. one of them repeatedly smacked himself in the face with his hands. 

 day 11: someone i spoke to today

day 12: fork

day 13: a sign