Stupid ugly crying face

so, i used to have a tiny/major internet crush on matthew baldwin.

then he stopped writing as much, and my crush wasn't daily. it was an every time i read him, kind of thing.

so, my crush is daily again now

" I started strength training, for instance, just so I can lift my son up for one more year."

home

so.... darwin, hey....

then the phillipines....

there are no words, only pictures

thank goodness for onions

.

today

wake up at 9
eat an entire bag of chocolate malt balls
go back to sleep
wake up at 12
cup of tea
weetbix
wish i hadnt eaten all the malt balls so i could eat some now

Welcome to mah loifeeee

Wee waa woo wee I'm involved in a global community of nerdssssssss.

i've been home alone all week, and i havent left the house

thats kind of a lie. i took e to school on monday, and i have checked the letterbox... twice? i think? i also hung out one load of washing and fed the dogs; technically leaving the house, but not the balcony.

technically not alone, i guess. though as much as russell can talk back, he's not much for words.

panic attacks are not fun. they're a bit exciting and scary, but they're not fun. driving during one is downright stupid. (i'll try and keep this in mind next time).

e had a birthday. there was much adventure time

trying to be positive. look at all the stuff i *have* done this week. rather than the stuff i havent. 

kinda hard

no more, please

last night i went to sleep the same way i do every night... when im able to sleep. with good intentions for the next day. definitely take the washing out of the machine before i need to wash it again. unpack the dishwasher. gain some more space in my room. possibly clear the end of the bed. possibly pick up everything off of the floor in the bedroom. then i'll play some of my games. i want to do some gardening too. keep building the fence. email about the broken tree.

i woke up about 8 and went back to sleep.
i woke up at 930 and had a cuddle.
i woke up at almost 11 and actually got up

since then i've been reading about a family in america who have adopted a baby girl from china.

its now 1pm

I'm homesick but I'm already home

sometimes i drink a cup of tea that is so familiar that i need to look around to see if she's there. and then i say hello, and i smile, because i know she's there. she cant be here all the time because of everyone else she needs to visit, but she visits me sometimes, and its usually while im drinking tea.

last night i got my first visit from someone new. laying in bed, kind of on my back, knees up a little and to the left. i feel a gentle pressure in the curve from my tummy to my thighs. and its so real that i patted and stroked the air for a minute or so. then i called kailey and she jumped up and snuggled on my other side, laying on her back with her head on my arm, and i got to cuddle with both my puppies

previously, on buffy the vampire slayer

no matter what

no matter what, i always come back to buffy. she's there for me when i need her, she's safe and secure, she doesnt change.
needing buffy is scary sometimes because i know what it means. it means i need to stop, hide, close my eyes and open them in sunnydale for a while until the big bad goes away.

And then it's 430 the last time you remember looking at the time
And then it's time to get up and you are somehow in the kitchen, already dressed
Ten minutes til you leave and you're standing at the front door but can't touch the handle
The phone call is made of apologies and tears
Now you're in your sons bed with the door shut, listening to the dogs worry up and down the stairs
And you don't want to be found