trying

so, we're trying. apparently. i dont know. sometimes it seems its not any different than before. and i see other people trying and i wonder if its all for show. its such public trying that it seems its all done to prove that everything is gonna be alright

im doing my trying quietly, at home, with no spectators. i dont know if its working. maybe. i kept checking my phone. but then the question came, 'do you want me to?' and i didnt know how to answer it. to be honest i cant remember how i answered it. i guess i'll find out in a week or so. 'otherwise it will be ages' is the reason. and yes, otherwise, it will be ages, but maybe thats what we need? or maybe what we need is more time closer together to work things out? but what if that closer together time makes us angry and quiet? i guess i'll have the answer then, wont i.

i keep getting asked how i am. and i dont know how to answer that. im fine. at least, i feel fine, but i know im not. i dont know if that makes any sense at all. im barely speaking, but i think thats a good thing, since no one is home. but thats a problem too, as i should probably be going out. but its so hot... just going to work is enough, really.

but my initial reason for writing, trying. im just not sure i know how to