look over there. isnt that sad. ive had to remove people from my links list.

look at my australian blogs section. thats very sad

if you are a blogger, australian or otherwise, let me know and i'll have a read. there are lots of people over there who dont update anymore and its getting pretty boring

ta

so far today

* folded and sorted all clothes on kitchen table/floor (not put away. lazy!)
* sorted and cleared kitchen table after all clothes were removed. managed to throw some things away (managed to just move some things from table to somewhere else)
* took suitcase of dolls clothes etc into shed (brought in smaller suitcase of dolls clothes etc)
* decided to sell some dolls and clothes (instead of photographing them, have left them on the table)
* ate healthy - roast vegetables (eyeing off kids chocolate in the fridge. considering going to shops to buy chocolate. considered walking to shops. decided if i go, i shall be driving)
* cleaned shower (dont have a negative for that. go me)
* havent played ds today, is now 2pm (have very cold feet and want to be in bed playing ds now)

edit

played ds. did one half of the island. put it away rather than doing second half
finished half of my kitchen, involving moving table, moving dolls house and sweeping
took photos of sellable stuff and advertised on ATP forum
took out recycling
have officially run out of time for today, will endeavour to continue tomorrow.*

*continuing tomorrow means missing out on being an extra in a film. i wont have anything to do in the film except sit in an audience. but. i dont know

sometimes i wish i had a boyfriend so that when it was night time i could say to my brain, ok brain, no need to run around thinking things willy nilly! you have a boyfriend! you can think about him! how easy is that, brain!? and my brain would say thankyou, and think about my boyfriend, and we'd fall asleep at a reasonable time and live happily ever after and everything would be peachy keen.

instead, after i turn my lamp off and roll over, i close my eyes and its game on. off we go, thinking about a million things at once. a lot of whys, and how comes. maybe's and should'ves. i miss him. im disappointed he didnt come over. i wonder if he will next weekend. i wonder if i'll ever even see him again. i wonder, had i not eaten all the bread, would it be different? would we have had a nicer day? i know he doesnt understand, but he'll just have to deal. i really wish i never met him.

these thoughts dont just belong to one 'he', not even only 2. and some of them apply to more than one. if i had a 'he' of my own, chances are my thoughts would be on him, at least mainly. things inside my head wouldnt be so complicated, so messy, so up in the air and unsolvable.

but thats just the first level. there's still the thoughts of the kids, exercise, cleaning my house (upcoming inspection, eep), all things that take time and effort. time i have a lot of. effort? none free, sorry. everything i need to do seem too hard, impossible even. so hard and impossible that things ive already achived become insignificant.

vacuumed today?
yeah.
but only the lounge. what about the rest of the place?

did the dishes?
yeah.
could have gone to the trouble of wiping the bench

have you eaten today?
yes.
a bag of pods is technically eating, but there is no nutritional value there. you'll just get fatter and sadder, fatter and sadder until you're doomed to spend the rest of your life, fat and alone in your disgusting house, thinking about boys who dont care about you enough to even give you a passing thought

today i had a salad

i guess thats a start

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

fingers intertwine but none of them are mine
im watching you from so far away
pushing buttons just to listen to you breathe

happy birthday baby

happy birthday baby, originally uploaded by faeriegirlcarly.

big seven year old man

i love you

conversations that i have had today have been more important and special to me than any i've had in a long time

not so much what they were about, nothing important, but i guess thats the point. the fact that we spoke like that, about ordinary everyday things for 40 minutes and it was never awkward or strange, or stressed or forced, it was natural and calm and flowed like normal

and that was what mattered

wanna see something scary?

x has just informed me, so, just incase you didnt know

jennifer aniston is famous

square eyes

i wonder if in the days before television, parents would tell their kids they'd get square eyes from reading too much? i doubt it.

in the last week i have read the poisonwood bible by barbara kingsolver, abandoned by anya peters, and the princess bride by s. morgenstern (abridged by william goldman version). next i'll be reading cloud atlas by david mitchell. basically, thats all i've been doing.

i've fallen into a kind of routine that isnt very...friendly? well, theres not room for friends, anyway. depending on the week, i wake up, grab my tea cup, turn on my computer on the way to the toilet, put my cup in the hall way, go to the toilet, grab my cup, go to the kitchen, make tea, return to bedroom. by then, my computer is ready to go. i check my emails (none, and spam. fantastic), open up all the blogs etc that i check, read those. during this time i drink my tea, and then i go back to bed.

i grab my ds and play animal crossing until my eyes close and i fall asleep. depending on whether i've shaken all the trees, when i wake up i will either continue playing or grab a book. it is warm in bed, and comfortable...and comforting. when i feel i have nothing to do, or...well, nothing, i can just close my eyes and burrow deeper and hope that when i wake up, things are brighter. instead, more often than not, when i wake up it is darker, both inside and out. i've successfully wasted another day, gone a whole day without speaking to a person (and really, telling a cat to get out of the way isnt exactly a conversation anyway), and pretty soon its time to turn the lights off and do it all again.

i could be handling this differently. "i think comfort at the bottom of a bottle is in order for my depression. that and bad music". i know a couple of people who have done it, or are doing it, this way. and maybe thats, in a way, healthier because at least they're out, seeing people, breathing outside air, talking, moving.

i was trying to decide if i should do that or not last night. i could have. i had invitations. but i would have been doing it on my own, and thats not something i can do at the moment.

im not sure how i managed when i first started going out. i guess it was different then. turning up to a pub by myself wasnt that bad because i knew that sooner or later, 10 or so people that i knew would be there. but now i just dont know. its a whole new crowd. its younger, and its different, and there are less of us.
now it seems safer to stay home in bed, read books, and look at the same internet pages over and over until my eyes are almost bleeding so im hopeful that sleep might actually come when i close them

i burned my hand on friday. it really hurt. i was filling my tea cup from an electric urn on the wall in the council chambers, and the water hit the bottom of the cup, and bounced back up and over my hand.

i needed a bandage

i took it off today to have a look. it only hurts sometimes, something between and ache and a sting. its not as big as i thought, but the skin is yucky and dry and has started to peel and thats quite quite gross


thankfully, you dont really need massive mobility in your hands to play the glockenspiel. ben and i have been asked to play at the ed castle on friday night, supporting bing goes to monaco. i know nothing more than that, but if and when i find out, i'll let you know

prof mcgonagle

prof mcgonagle, originally uploaded by faeriegirlcarly.

could it be? the reason banjo is such a people cat is that she is, actually, people?

when i saw her with the wand, i couldnt help but wonder...

my phone and how much i hate it

it was good when i first got it. a novelty to be able to take photos, and yay! the prospect of having cool songs on my phone. like a walkman, without the tapes and headphones! how cool

in reality tho, it holds no songs, except the beginning of all my loving my jim sturgess (not that im complaining about that) and the photos are pretty shit

BUT

thats not even what im complaining about

first, this happens


*artists impression

big annoying crack in the screen, and now, when people call me, i dont know who it is! stupid phone says 'call' not whos calling, not even the number. which is shit, because what if someone calls me that i dont want to speak to? how will i know? but mostly, since im always missing calls, i dont know who it is that calls me cos it doesnt record the caller id. the last time this happened was a couple of hours ago, so, if it was you who called me, call again

and, in future, if you call and i dont answer, message me, or i just wont know, and thats sad

why living down here is so good

apart from the fact that i can go to school/the shops in pretty much any clothes i want, be that pyjamas or daggy baggy tracksuit, its also amusing to walk through a shopping centre, witness a 10ish year old boy being dragged along by a parental figure, screaming 'let me go! put me on welfare' over and over again its also amusing to look at the people around who, who arent gasping in horror, but laughing and thinking, 'sucks to be you old man' or 'if you were mine you would have been in welfare years ago', or, the one i imagine people were thinking most 'oh, im so glad thats not my child'

its about time

its been almost two years, but i've finally made an actual start on my photos from france. its hard. i dont really want to think about them, or how i was feeling, or what i was doing when i was taking them. even though a lot of those times were happy, some of them were sad.

i wish i took one last photo of tom by himself, as i left him at the airport

the last photo i have is this one

i stopped taking them when we started crying

mother's day

today i swept, vacuumed and washed the floors.

but before that, i got these

new words i have learned today

laguar - like a jaguar, but a loser. hence the l. this applies to people who have long nails
lerson - like a person, but a loser. hence the l
le* - like e, but a loser. hence the l

are we sensing a pattern here?