it was only a matter of time

so, the truth fairy and andrew bolt got together and had a sweet little love child called amanda williams. how lovely.

*insert leave me alone, its my space to say what i want blah blah blah crap here*

but honestly, write what you like. i dont care what you think of me. you say im a...hang on, i have to look..oooh! you wish i would curl up and die! thats a bit harsh...let me find a nicer one...um, ok.

loser

yeah, you're right actually. i dont win an awful lot. but then again i dont often enter any competitions or have races with people so thats not exactly losing is it? its more like not participating. there you go, you non-participator!

but you amanda, no one could call you a non participator. why, you've come out of nowhere to call me names so well done, you're a winner in your books.

hypothetical

your best friend has a problem with your boyfriend. its really hard to explain, and he tries all the time, but it never comes out right. its gotten really bad too, hyperventillating when he's around, getting blood noses, panic attacks; its not good. but because he is your best friend, and really, he doesnt make up the rules of your life and he knows that, he doesnt ask you to break up with this guy. he just asks to be given a little warning if the bf is going to be there when he comes over, that sort of thing.
you say sure, thats fine, thats reasonable.
life happens.
then one night you're best friend is on his way to your place (he knows you're coming btw) to pick something up. when he gets there, your boyfriends car is parked out the front. this comes as a complete shock to your best friend and he starts to have a panic attack in the car. he calls you as he's speeding off and says he cant go in there, can you bring the things over to his place.
no, you say. you're doing him a favour by looking after the things, get back here and pick them up.
no, you dont understand, says the best friend. you cant, you just cant. you cannot physically bring yourself there.
there is an arguement with a lot of yelling.
the things get brought over, but its not over.
your best friend tells you he's never speaking to you again.

hypothetically

its ok, you can stop looking now

im not playing hide and seek! its ok, you can stop looking, everyone....everyone? oh. you werent looking? hello? what? you mean there isnt anyone here? oh, ok then. well, i...um...i guess i'll just go then? maybe? yeah....ok

well

if any of you out there were wondering, i moved house and i have no internet or phone till next week

extrapolate

i think i should make myself a little bit clearer in terms of my last post.

he's not my ex. he's been my boyfriend since september. we're going overseas in july.

last week i asked him if he still liked me as much. he sighed, paused....the pause turned into stalling....and he said 'i will still take you around france if we're just friends'

anyone?

see, i think it might be ok. i think the walking around and showing me of things might take up the majority of the time, therefore there shouldnt be much time for sulking and sooking about people not liking people.
i also doubt i'll have another chance to go there. moneywise and timewise.

but i dont want to be stuck over there upset and wanting to go home, fighting and arguing, and thinking of all the things i could have been doing with the money i sent on a ticket.

i still have some time to decide...

missing

last saturday night in a drunken stumble i lost a letter at the governer hindmarsh hotel. if anyone found it, could i get it back? im going to try and rewrite it tonight, it'll never be the same though.

quiz

would you fly overseas with a recent ex?

circle yes/no

augie march...augie fucking march

despite the fact that i think some part of me broke on saturday night, the music was brilliant. i still havent realised that it doesnt matter how many times it tries to tell me that it is, alcohol is NOT my friend, and six vodkas for a girl who only needs one is 6 too many.

cracks started to appear earlier in the week. each time the phone made its 'you have a message' sound, the cracks widened.

i...just...cant....

i wrote it all out, wrote out why. i brought it with me, just incase. incase i had the courage to look at you with my eyes closed and hand it over. i didnt even get the chance to blink.

kissing out the front

i can yell incoherently at people in the distance half way through a sentance

talking at the bar

turning away to breathe

in my way when i tried to hide in the toilet

run the other way smack bang into the others

the ground moved. the cracks moved apart some more

run
run
run
run

there are only so many places to go in the gov when its full. i chose to stand in the middle and cry.

there was some more yelling, more running, more cracking

i'll be posting the letter tomorrow and i'll be booking myself in with the intake worker. i think its time they moved me up the list. stabbing is not a healthy passtime to be daydreaming about.

in other fun news, please have a read of part of a phone call i recieved tonight:

hello carly its "owner of your house" here, your lease runs out next week, when will you be moving out?

see, as of friday i wasnt aware i was moving out. as of friday, all that i had heard was that she had no money to any maintenance to the property whatsoever, and wanted to raise my rent by $35 a week. nosiree. i think the reason she has no money is because she keeps getting in trouble and has to pay fines like 136X$1000 for something, and $46,467.12 for something else. the internet is a funny place...


c r a c k e d? yes i think so

fud bal

its 2006 world cup crazy over at the pop and as part of the draw, i am now the proud owner of...

dum dum da daaaa

serbia montenegro!

and just to prove how on their team i really am, i had to cut and paste their name because i couldnt remember what it was let alone how to spell it.

ahh, serbia montenegro, i remember you well. incidentally, please look at the photo that came up when i googled for this subject. fantastic.

insert cut and pasted history here: Serbia and Montenegro is the name of the political union of Serbia and Montenegro; formerly known as Federal Republic of Yugoslavia,two former Yugoslav republics. It is located on the west-central Balkan Peninsula and in the southern Pannonian plain, bordering Bosnia and Herzegovina and Croatia on the western sides, Hungary to the north, Romania and Bulgaria to the east, the Republic of Macedonia to the south and Albania to the south-west with just over 200 kilometres (125 mi) of access to the Adriatic.

it has a boring flag, but a rather spiffy coat of arms
it also has some weird ass money going on


but we arent here to find out about history, no! or money? no! we're here to talk soccer, or football as we in the know say

...yeah, i looked at the fifa site but i couldnt work out which team i was actually going for. here is a list of the boys in the team. they have suitably funny names like dragoslav, igor, ognjen, goran, GORAN! detective goran is playing on the serbia mone moneten montenegro soccer team! hmm, strange...i cant seem to find any photos of him playing football. although i did find this one. yes, very nice...

mmmm......goran......mmmmmm

what? soccer? oh yeah,, right.

so heres a photo of some boys who play soccer. apparently they scored a goal, go boys!

looks like number 9 thought he might get bored so he brought along a magazine. clever lad.

number 8's a bit of a show off there with his red boots. i suppose they make him run faster though, huh.

so there we have is. s/m is my pick from the pophat for this years fifa world cup.

do me proud, boys, do me proud




ps. serbia's eurovision entry looks pretty nice. boy band!...with bongos...and a cello....uhuh. my speakers decided not to work so i cant actually hear them, but listening and watching is practically the same thing, right?

62

im thinking its a conspiracy. not totally aimed at me, because i am not that far gone mentally that i think everything is about me ("those computers, they see me coming! they know i'm going to put my card in and they block me from using your system!"), but a conspiracy nonetheless.

since moving into this place i have been the happy winner of 4 speeding fines. 4. two of them were a week apart. all of them were for driving at 62kms in a 50 zone.

first of all, dont get me started on 50kms. fucking 50kms.

my main point is, how is it possible for every single one of my speeding fines to be the exact same speed? coincidence? i know there is a scale where the fines go up and the demerit points are taken away after a certain amount, and you know what im thinking? im thinking that doing 61 in a 50 isnt as expensive, and doesnt make you lose demerit points.

so, my question to you, people of adelaide, is how fast were you going when you got your speeding fine? i'd be interested to find out how many people were doing 62 in a 50.

my poppa, who is all knowledgable as he listens to talk back radio in the early hours of the morning, said that there was a chance that a 50km speed limit is actually illegal, and therefore there was a chance that people who were fined for doing over 50 could get their money back.

if that is the case, i'll be waiting for my money with open arms, holiday, here i come

happy birthday baby

happy birthday baby

dear eli,
when you were born, something happened. i didnt bond with you straight away. you laid in your little plastic trolley, not needing me, with the sun sprinkling over you to keep you warm. you rarely cried, and the one night you did the nurses came in without me asking and took you away.

you didnt need me

i would lay in my bed and stare at you. i would read bad trashy magazines and then feel terrible for not being in awe with you, and i would look over at you again to find you sleeping, or laying peacefully, looking around.

you didnt need me

then one day i was holding you and looking into your sweet little old man face and something happened. you were special and i knew that i needed you and wanted you and that you were here with me for a reason

today you are five years old and i cant believe i have been lucky enough to have someone like you in my life for five whole years. i feel like i should share your wonderfulness, your amazingness, your you

but when it comes down to it, you are my beautiful baby eli, and you are special, and you make me happy every single day



i love you, sweetheart, happy birthday

fbleh

so, after a not so great evening, followed by a night of bad dreams, and waking to find out i feel crappier than i have the last couple of days, sandi and i sms each other our woes and catchups over the last day or so. she finishes with

'no worries, take care. aw, nice personwhosnameyoumustnevermention. fucking jarrad. adorable mitch. cute tom. awesome us xx'

and i have to agree

so, last night i dreamed i had a baby girl called matilda grace and i'd gone out shopping for a table cloth then i woke up cos i was coughing so that that i'd spewed on toms pillow

next

i think i might just wet myself*

*in a sexily oh my god its augie march and dan kelly and his alpha males my panties are so very moist kind of way

There Is No Such Place
There is no such place, o yes I have seen it too
Just a little different from how you do,
A river winding blue among the dunes and a marble bed
A sun that doesn't set but settles.
There is no such place.
If I lower mine to yours would you kiss me on the face?
If you're looking for an unmarked place,
There is no such place -
Blasted in appearance and a composite of fearful minutes
Frozen in the waking instant

Longing, things I long for,
Peaceful nights, strangers at the door,
O come in, come in,
You've been here before.

There is no such place, so perhaps we have a reason
For our long and falling face,
Above all it would be warm but we would keep our heads all
Clear as Winter, storms would be a sight to make us shiver
But without the chill
Of thinking all is hither-thither -

Longing, Things I long for,
Peaceful nights, strangers at the door,
O come in, come through the door,
You've been here before,
You've been here before

There is no such place, o yes I have seen it too
Just a little different from how you do,
A house upon a hill with no windows
Just a can upon the sill
To catch your tears
To feed your garden.

saturday night i will stare in awe and the smile on my face will be unwipeable.

to you: dont look at me, dont come near me, dont pretend you're my friend, because you are not

to you, and you also: as above

my night will not be ruined, the music will surround me and lift me up until im floating on chords and strums, swimming in the buzz and hum, only landing gently on the floor when the room quiets

Tasman Awakens
Honey goes candy in the condiment cupboard,
Unwax it. unplug it,
What you discover in August nights,
Like children walled in and papers drawn up for life -
That kind of truth you can't crack with a knife.
Smoke from the wood fire, unholy spires,
And can you surmise from which well you have drawn you courage, it stings your eyes
What you saw when she stood in the yard and she let him undress her -
What happened next you have failed to understand.
What happened then as he took her by the hand...
Little lights are burning bright in you
Little lights are burning bright in you
Orphan leaves of arrested trees divide the street from the gutter
As the sunset shudders at the prospect or night
On the children malled in and mauling their brethren and like -
That kind of truth is a needle and a knife.
That kind of truth is a needle and a knife...
And you little lights are burning bright in you
And you little lights are burning bright in you
And you little lights are burning bright in you
They tell you what you have to do.

a sad day

as soon as i heard him say it, i knew what had happened. 'x...dont....i'll call you back'. and x face just made it all the more certain. he had died.

there were a few tears, mainly from x, but mostly just angry comments from e, 'i dont want him dead i want him alived'

but the worst part was that night as i was putting them to bed, thats when the tears really started. there was sobbing, there was heart breaking sobbing, painful tearing at quilt covers and kicking the air, biting down on the bed clothes to make the pain go away. 'i dont want him dead!'

there was nothing i could do. i hugged them, i stroked their hair, i made the shushing noises that a mum does but none of it made it any easier, any better.

citizen snips was a great yabbie and he will be sorely missed.

blood pressure a-go-go

i'll just throw some numbers around here

140/90

see that? average blood pressure. yep. so, if you're around that, then good for you! your blood is flowing around fanfuckingtastically.

177/114

see that one? that one up there? mine. i own that one. that was my highest blood pressure of the week, with a resting pulse rate of 104! i win! i got the highest score! where's my prize???

ooooh, my prize is headaches, dizziness, confusion, lack of concentration and hot/cold spells.

i think i'd rather be average this time.

and it seems that my doctor just cant work it out. the lady at the chemist practically demanded that i go to the docs today instead of back to work, and so did the sister when i rang the doctors. so i get there and my doctor pokes around a bit, shines a bright light in my eyes for freaking ages, then tells me to take ibuprofen for my headache and see what happens with my blood pressure

so here i am...seeing what happens