i know i havent been writing much

but i've been pretty busy being brilliant in the bedroom. not exactly what you're thinking though.
matt bought a specky mac and we've been recording. we've started off a new project, branching off from humble bee. its dancy and trancy and pretty cool. we recorded over the weekend, and i'd just like you to hear about my brilliance in music

i managed to fart on the beat and in tune

it's staying in the song and just sounds like part of the music

i really am one of the most amazing musicians of our time

two books i need

pee-ew! is that you bertie? by david roberts, and belonging, by jeannie baker

stupid cupid, stop pickin on me!

i got this test from ok cupid, found on kents blog

Advanced
You scored 93% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 87% Advanced, and 66% Expert!
You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.

oh, and this

i, of course, am not as clever with, you know, those things your say, words, yeah...as kent is. which is why i'll be laying with my head in his lap while he talks to me, rather than the other way round.

remember kent? you promised. ok, you said maybe which is basically the same thing

a little lesson in history

warning : long post ahead

my mum and dad are divorced. they broke up one day long ago when i was about 10 i think. i remember my dad out the back of my house one night, fixing my bike and telling me about a new sister i was going to have. yeah, those were the days.
my mum found out that dad had been cheating on her one day while doing the grocery shopping. no, she didnt see dad with another woman, no she wasnt approached by the other woman. the wife of a man dad worked with saw her and said that she missed her coming to the work dos, but it was really big of her to let dad take his girlfriend instead.

yeah.

its possibly this that has started my dislike for my father, except that i didnt know this fact until much later. maybe i just picked up on how my mum was feeling and laid the blame deservedly. i dont know. whatever the reason is, i dont like him. i am uncomfortable around him and i dont know how to speak to him. someone once said to me 'but imagine if he died, wouldnt you feel bad for not seeing him?' and i thought, but i dont see him anyway now, what would be the difference?

last year i was really busy and really bad at returning to phone calls to people i actually wanted to speak to, let alone people i'd spent half my life avoiding. dad would call, leave a message and i'd never get back to him. then his birthday and fathers day came and i didnt cal him. mum apparently put my name on a card because she does that sort of thing, still. fathers day and birthday cards every year, written out by her and posted with our names on them. she is that sort of person. but the fact that i neglected to call him yet again must have been the last straw for him and he began having a cry to brett, my brother, about how i never called him, i didnt speak to him, etc. this is coming from the man who never called or visited me until i had kids.
bret is getting really annoyed at me and him. he thinks we should just call each other. i dont care. im sorry that brett has to put up with dad, but i just dont care enough to do anything about it.

that was until my birthday, and i didnt get a phone call or a card. some people might see this as a selfish act. sure, i usually get $50 from dad, but thats not my point. my point is, isnt he supposed to be the adult? the grown up? i know i'm 27 now, but as my father isnt he supposed to be the big one, love me anyway.

so i wrote him a letter and tried to explain...me

dad,
brett said that you keep talking to him about me not returning your calls and stuff. i gather from the fact that i didnt get a phone call for my birthday that that is part of some petty get back at me thing and i'm supposed to come crawling back all upset and sorry. no, it's not going to happen.

kristin told me that she suggested you apologising for whatever it is that you've dont wrong. i know what heather's response to that was, by the way.
even if you did do that i doubt it would work because whatever my problem is, its bigger than that.

an apology from you would help in some way, i guess, but to be honest i dont know what you'd be apologising for.
i do have some sort of a problem with you but i think its to do with other things that i'm dealing with.

at the moment i am in the process of taking someone to court. he has been charged with seven counts of unlawful sexual intercourse and three counts of indecent sexual assault. this isnt something everybody in the family knows. just mum and matt and it took me 12 years to tell mum so dont feel like you're being left out.

it's because of this that i have a problem dealing with some people.

when i started seeing councillors for post natal depression, i was referred to a psychologist for treatment for post traumatic stress disorder and i'm still on anti depressants now.
i have problems dealing with any males in positions of power. i cant trust any and i cant get close to any.

i also have nearly no memory of my childhood so even if you did do something that i was mad at you for, i dont know what it is.
dont be mad at mum about any of this. brett, aaron and i are all very protective of her.

i dont think im mad at you for cheating on mum because apart from us having no money, i think we were better off.

so i dont know if that explains anything or not but thats the way it is. i cant help that i'm not home when you call, and im not even sure of where you're living at the moment so i wouldnt know where to call you.

that's my answer and till i get better thats all you can get

carly

i'm posting it today. i'll let you know what happens.

maybe im mad at him because some things are passed on and i've got them. its not just eye and hair colour that is passed on through generations. sometimes i wonder if my predisposition for fucking things up comes from him. i've cheated on matt. i cheated on the guy i was with with matt. and a lot of he time i have no fucking idea.

and i guess thats my major qualm with him. he has no fucking idea. none at all.

we'll see

from the book 'it's really all too much' by david baird

i shall stay the way i am because i do not give a damn
dorothy parker

hugs can do great amounts pf good - especially for children
diana, princess of wales

get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please
mark twain

love is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction
antoine de saint-exupery

and my favourite

the little reed, bending to the force of the wind, soon stood upright again when the storm had passed over
aesop

happy birthday me!!!

20 years young, wow...

been around the world

over the last month i had slowly been losing my international readership. i was at an all time high with 80% australian readership. i wondered where my international readers had gone. had all you chileans stopped searching for little girl pussy? what was wrong with you?
then i checked today and you're back in the game. 52% australian, the rest made up of United States, Germany, Canada, United Kingdom, Norway, Chile, Pakistan and Kuwait, with only 2 searches for little girl pussy. the rest of you, it seems are lookin for hotties and this is the place for them. laura prepon, anna paquin, leelee sobieski, cate blanchett, they're all here. and me of course.

matt and i watched mall rats again last night. i picked it up thursday night at cash converters. sometimes you need blatant sexual jokes, sometimes you need to hear 'snoochie boochies', sometimes you need to laugh your ass off at the ridiculous.
and sometimes you need to fall in crush (notice i didnt say love, it has not reached the heights of vincent...yet) with someone again.

aaaah, jeremy london. back when i used to watch party of five, it was all for him. iloved that brooding, troubled look. i wanted to make it aaaall better. i wouldnt make squinty faces at him, or whine about him not having a job and riding that stupid motorcycle blah blah blah whatever your name is neve campbell. oh, julia, thats right.

anyway

my new goal is to be pen friends with him by the end of the year. updates will follow when they happen

googlebar

so i gave in. i got myself one of those googleadsense thingos. i dont expect to make any money out of it, but in a couple of years they might send me ten bucks.
i dont click ads on peoples websites. they usually take you to porn or penis enlargements, neither of which i have any need for.

these ads are supposed to relate to whats being written on the website. so far mine have read the post about the kids being noisy and decided that YOU, the people who read this site, need now earphones to go with your cdmans.

i am setting out to change that

what you need is chocolate. chocolate chocolate chocolate. and cheese, cheese is yummy. some good camembert with nice crackers. sitting down and watching criminal intent with cheese and crackers, that'd be nice. and after that we can have a lovely cup of dilmah tea. dilmah tea is the best, even though i'm currently drinking tetley because it had a competition on the box to win a mazda2 which is really what i'd like right now, not you guys, so disregard that. what else would you guys like....oh! see the ticker? its my birthday next week. you should by me presents! i like presents.
there's a link to my torrid wishlist up there ^ you could get me something from there but it wouldnt get to me in time. hmm... things from kmart and target are fine too, you know

i wonder if i've changed my ads yet? i'll keep going

books. i love books. and pretty things. i like old dolls...i really want an original blythe doll but they're spensive....or something from ikea....look, you guys know me by now, you should know what i like.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i processed a book yesterday at work called 'elephant elements'. people higher up than me have decided its not suitable for the library, especially since it was supposed to be a childrens book. i'm looking around online at the moment to try and find some pics.

nope, only of the cover. it's a book of opposites. big small, left right, top bottom, for instance. but then it goes on to other opposites, like corked and uncorked, fixed and broken, alight and put out, and the last one? alive and dead

yep

boy and girl are distinguished by where the wee puddle is underneath them
you really need to check it out

takes me back
(takes my front as well)

i heard this song this morning. i haven't heard it in so long. i miss regurgitator. i liked their old stuff better than their new stuff


I like your old remix better than your new remix

i've got your photograph fifty times on my wall
i've got your autographed underpants in my drawer
i'm always singing to your cd on my stereo
you see me smiling back i'm always in the front row

the day has come and my heart's in a rollercoaster
a hot new album and it's got a free promo poster
i'm freaking out and i just can't hide it
i've lost my brain and i'm so excited

i rush home to listen to your new sounds
i put it on and shit is all that i heard
you're nothing like you were before
now i can't believe that you went and changed

oh no
i like your old stuff better than your new stuff (x4)

i thought they understood now i feel so alone
straight away and i'm talking on the telephone
i call my friends but i don't know what to say
regurgitator's new record sounds so passe

it's like a cross between cold chisel and the prodigy
they're fucked now and they're sure not what they used to be
you've lost a fan and i hope you lose more
so be prepared for a great big fall

it's gonna take no time at all for me oh
to get your songs up and out of my head
the music sucks and the words mean nothing at all
so quit this band and never come back again

never come back again
i like your old stuff better than your new stuff (x16)

while looking for birthday tickers, i found this one

dre e e e eam, dream dream dream

i wont bore you with my actual dream, cos its boring, but i'll just give you the basics

Airport
In a dream the sight of a busy airport represents the desire for freedom and/or travel as this is the jumping off point for all those who travel the world and it brings out your hidden desires to do the same. If the airport is empty and deserted your own travel plans will be changed or delayed.

Elevator
An elevator dream is a rather complex dream and you should interpret it in light of all the other symbols in your dream, for one thing, if the elevator is going up your fortunes will increase, down is the opposite. If the elevator continues to go up and down with out letting you off means you have let your emotions, or your situation, get out of control and must do something to stop it.

Running
A running dream is basically a dream of escaping a certain situation, person, or thing. If you succeed in running away from, or elude a pursuer, then you will be able to change those things in your life that has you 'on the run'. If you dream of the desire to run but cannot get your feet to obey it shows a lack of self confidence and perseverance on your part. Try sticking to your guns and see how much your life will change.

i do love my job

not so much that i want to marry it or anything cos that'd just be weird, but, as much as i love my job, its still face to face customer service. that means that i will undoubtably some across a wide spectrum of people.
some are lovely. for instance the nice german man wh gave me a box of chocolates for sending a fax.
some are hot. for instance, greg who i had a crush on in the olden days.
some are..... please insert your own word here after you hear the story.

a nice enough looking middle aged lady came to the desk:

'do you have a book about...you know...those children...they're spastic...you look at them and you just know there's something wrong with them. they look like monkeys, or mongoloids'
'...children with down syndrome?'
'yes! thats the ones!'

i really hope she found the information she was looking for about those spastic mongoloid kids

idiot i-d-i-o-t, idiot

iraq - thought to have weapons of mass destruction, america went over there and shot a whole lot of people, iraq found to not actually have any weapons of mass destruction

iran - thought to have weapons of mass destruction, actually does have weapons of mass destruction (or so we are led to believe)

see the difference one letter makes? america, with their insane addiction to spelling bees has mispelled the name of a country and invaded the wrong one

silly americans

dear vincent,
i watched criminal intent last night. it was the one where the public had to decide whether or not to kill nicole. we chose kill.
if i could get away from the tv for a sec and grab the phone i would have chosen for her to live because i love what she does to your face. all those emotions she makes you feel, makes me want to hug you* and make it all better.
i know that criminial intent is just a show, and that detective goran is just a character, but i think i need him right now.

there's some stuff going on that is pretty crappy, and i need him...you...on my side. i need bobby to find him, rip his arms up behind his back and talk right into his ear about how you're taking him down to the station for questioning. and when you've got him there, ask him those questions, get him to tell you everything. make him say yes, im guilty and im sorry.
and then be there at the end to comfort me and make me feel better.

i dont want a signed photo of you, done by someone else. i want a real reply.

can you make it better?

love carly

*please read anything into that that would make you feel better....anything

on my way to the tram stop on monday afternoon i was feeling ready for home. i'd had my fun. i'd stayed out till all hours, wandering the streets drunk after dancing all night. i'd had a quick feel of share house living. i lived the life of a richmondite and was ready to be a christies beachian again. having been home a little while now, i want to go back.

i havent handled this week very well at all. my tolerance for child noise is at an all time low. the boys came in to visit me at work today and i was happy to see their little faces and feel their beautiful hugs, but i was just as happy to see them go.
i stuck them both in front of the tv from 7:30 tonight. i actually thought it was earlier, it felt like hours but it was only 1. how many times did i ask them to be quiet in that hour? how many times did i threaten them with smacks that i couldnt go through with because i was frightened at my own strength/weakness?
i dont want to be a smacking mummy. i want to be a mummy who sees all those good things that kids do. like the bird that e made at childcare, like how x will talk about peoples feelings, why cant i concentrate on those? why am i thinking about how loud they are, how boisterous, how if they dont just shut the hell up and sit still for 5 fucking seconds im going to go insane...

its 9:20 pm. my house is quiet except for the clacking of keys and the swishy hum of my dishwasher. the dog is fed and the house is pretty clean.

im not happy